Good-bye, Daddy.

Good bye, daddy.

Tonight, I spent my time re-reading our chat and text messages. It started with a conversation on your scheduled endoscopy, and how bravely you brushed it aside saying it was just ‘petty’. Who would have thought that was only the beginning.

We knew about your sickness just last December. I’d like to think we, both you and us, fought as hard as we could. At times you wanted it to end sooner. At times we thought you’d come out of this stronger.

But last night, you left us. It still feels so sudden and not even the 7-month long battle has prepared us enough for this…

Daddy, I am sorry.
This message came too late.
If there is one regret that I have, that is not being able to give you (or mom) a better life. This life has been cruel to you and there are many beautiful things I wish I could have let you experience but didn’t have the chance. I am sorry. But I take comfort in the thought that you were happy with your family. They fought for and with you until the very end. Even now the tears they shed are a testament of how well you have been loved all these years.

Daddy, I love you.
My message came too late.
As if this heavy rain seems to cry with me this morning, I regret not sending that last text message yesterday. I have been contemplating the right words to say. I have been thinking if we could visit you this weekend. But I didn’t want to make an empty promise that might disappoint you again so I delayed. Guess I overthinked again. When I could have just said ‘i love you.’ one last time before you left. I guess I was in denial, I didn’t want to think that any time might be the last time. If I only considered that every time might be the last, I would have been kinder, closer, better. But I love you. We’ve probably said this more these past few months than we ever did. We love you. And I know you know that. Sabi mo nga sa last text mo, hindi ka naman tampo.

Daddy, thank you.
My message came too late.
I looked back to the fun endearing times we had growing up. How I would hold your polo by the waist as you tuck it in for a snug fit. How I slept beside you every time you came home for the weekend. How you would tell me all those stories repeatedly by the terrace whenever you had alcohol but would refuse to admit you were drunk. How you would come over every birthday, every Christmas, every New Year, even if most of the time, I just ‘sermon’ you and you would just respond with a hug. Thank you for loving me in the way you knew. I know you did your best in the way you knew. And even now you loved us, didn’t demand anything from us, and was happy just to see us before your time run out. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for fighting as much as you could even though I know it hurt you that much. Thank you for being my dad. You did your best.

Daddy, I fogive you.
This message, I hope didn’t come too late. And I hope you felt that. And I hope you left at peace with yourself. We have told you time and again, you are forgiven and you are loved. And I know, as you assured me time and again, you have also said your piece and have your peace with God.

Daddy, Jesus loves you.
This message, I know didn’t come too late. I remember that time in our ‘BF house’ where I prayed for you. And even now throughout your fight, we prayed for you. We prayed with you. You prayed. Remember how you told me that every night you prayed that prayer I sent you? We kept saying God was keeping you alive for a reason, and that He was not done with you yet. But I guess this week, you have finally come to an agreement with Him. I believe in my heart, as we prayed, that you accepted Him, and He knew when it was finally time for you to come home.

I asked the Lord for comfort today, and He gave me this:

Isaiah 12
Songs of Praise

In that day you will say:

“I will praise you, Lord.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.
Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense[a];
he has become my salvation.”
With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.

In that day you will say:

“Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.
Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.
Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israelamong you.”

Yes, the Lord is your salvation and I know you know that now.

Daddy, good-bye.
This message, I wish had to come later. But I know God’s timing is perfect. I cry and type with a heavy heart but I take comfort in believing you are in a better place now… where there is no more pain… where you can finally feel the kind of comfort, joy and love this world denied you, but the Lord is graciously giving you.

I love you, Daddy. I love you. Good-bye.